My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
You Might Also Like
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.