DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Is this a threat?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”