My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Storm Tropical Storm
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.