Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Day 2 of my diet
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY