[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.