8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Oh deer
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
That’s easy for you to say
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.