My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet