My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
when you are just born a rebel
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named