My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
You Might Also Like
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
This came to me in a dream.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”