In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
PER MY LAST EMAIL
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
happy friday
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.