[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing