@nicfit75: My 8yo's looking for a summer job. He's a pretty decent bartender if anyone's hiring.
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@YeahDrewisOn: Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!
@murrman5: *sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] "no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"
@Sickayduh: "That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff" "Relax, honey. I'm sure she means well"
@KDonhoops: No internet for 11 hours. I've written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce "gif."