My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works