@Awesomemom10: My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.
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@superdadatron: *Opens fridge *Sees chocolate bar with a note "please don't eat me". *Eats chocolate bar Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@LlamaInaTux: Therapist: What is your greatest fear Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*