Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea