My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?