me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Love is in the air fryer.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ