@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
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@notacroc: [First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago] Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
@nappydolemite: I've been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
@d_duhwit: Dealer: ...and this car comes with a back up camera. Me: Cool, Where's the main camera? Dealer: No, there's just one camera; for backing up. Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud. Dealer: No.
@Lisabug74: My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?