@TheTweetOfGod: My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
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@wickedsuga: I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
@thepunningman: [hunting] "In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] "COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"
@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@dafloydsta: GOOD COP: Tell us what you know BAD COP: Or we'll turn up the heat DAD COP: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT