just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
You Might Also Like
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis