JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.