GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party