My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Imma just leave this here…………
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Anyone really
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke