My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Room with a view.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say