My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
🤣🤣
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”