My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You Might Also Like
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
eggs benadryl
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.