Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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john wicks are toilet candles
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.