My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I was just discussing this with my cat
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.