The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Pot warmers of the day.
*launders Kohls cash*
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?