Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I can’t deal with men any longer
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.