My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”