my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane