my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
new wife guy just dropped
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom