@Kyle_Lippert: My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says 'Ugh'
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@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@Mr_Kapowski: 7 y/o daughter: Why don't they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape? And now I know what Einstein's parents felt like
@matt_simpson84: Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf