My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Just say no
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life