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My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ