meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?