Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
new record!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Worst bar ever.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists