My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
tinder is all about the long game
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.