My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Stop.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Who wants to be my Valentine?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Breaking news:
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.