Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
😜
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands