My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
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My neck, my back, my…
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
No chill.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.