Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
girls literally only want one thing..
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
why isn’t he texting back
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong