My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You Might Also Like
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.