My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”