i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]