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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what