My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
🤣😈🤣
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis