My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”