To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
it is time once again
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
at ease…shoulder.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes