My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!