My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My wife gives the best headache.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.