@PetrickSara: My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming "I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!"
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@britt_anylynn: The sign at the McDonald's I just passed says "We hiring" in case you're wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.
@notalogin: What kind of doctor are you? -Apathologist A... pathologist? -No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don't care.
@GaryJanetti: When I was in my twenties we didn't have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.
@guskenworthy: nothing makes me happier than searching "colon" on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne...