Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?