I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
my first dose meeting my second
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost